Oy, Vey!
Posted: Friday, May 16, 2008
by Jackie Papandrew
Jackie Papandrew
I was in a public restroom the other day, doing what one does in such places, when I realized that civilization - even the fairly savage form of civilization that has existed since Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the Super Bowl - has officially ended. I didn't even see it coming. But I heard it, in the form of a woman chatting on her cell phone in the toilet stall next to mine.
But let me backpedal to a couple of weeks ago when I was in the waiting room of an orthodontist's office. If you have a teenager who had the gall to be born with imperfect teeth, you know the waiting room of an orthodontist is like the anteroom of Solomon's legendary temple. You are supposed to sit there and purify yourself of all negative emotions (such as the desire to hold on to your money) before entering the holy of holies (the billing department) to happily sacrifice to the person who will straighten your child's teeth. This purification process requires silence. But silence is in short supply these days.
As I was bracing myself to receive the braces bill, my ears were assaulted by the cell phone conversation of the teenage girl across from me. She was sitting next to her evidently comatose mother and recounting to her listener in excruciating detail an earlier discussion with a soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.
Every word of this fascinating exchange was loudly relayed to her friend and then analyzed in-depth, along with the apparent involvement with said boyfriend of another girl who was referred to only as what I will call the B word.
Unable to focus on the task at hand, I started glaring at the teenage talker with my most severe schoolmarm expression. This had absolutely no effect. Then I turned the look on the mother, thinking surely she'd tell her daughter to get off the phone. Nothing. The girl just kept talking, even dropping the "F bomb" with disturbing frequency. Finally, I spoke to the mother in that sugary-sweet tone civilized people use with strangers they'd actually like to strangle.
"Do you think you could ask your daughter to lower her voice just a little?" I inquired ever so nicely. The woman had the nerve to glare back at me.
"She's just talking," she replied in disgust.
To borrow a favorite phrase of a friend of mine, Oy Vey.
Now fast forward to that bathroom stall. I was sitting there (no, don't actually visualize it, that would be sick) and suddenly, I heard a woman's voice very nearby say "Hi!"
Being a polite individual, I automatically responded, if a little hesitantly. "Hi."
"What are you doing?"
This is when I became uncomfortable. But, still a polite individual, I began to answer. "Uh...I'm..."
"I've got to go," she said more loudly to be heard over the sound of flushing. "Some idiot next to me thinks I'm talking to her."
Naturally, I stayed in my stall until I was sure the woman was gone. Then I went home and initiated the extensive personal research I mentioned earlier. I called a couple of friends and my mother, and I found out something similar had happened to each of them. That's when I realized that cell phones will probably be the end of civilization.
We've certainly come a long way, baby. Oy vey!
© Jackie Papandrew, All Rights Reserved
www.jackiepapandrew.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (9 total)Jackie! OMG! You've hit the nail right on the head. Great article, too, by the way. I'm no longer working outside of my jewelry making business, but when I did it was in retail. I can't tell you the times someone that I was helping (thought I was helping?) would actually be talking on their cell phone and make me feel stupid. I finally stopped feeling stupid and got angry. Those people automatically got shunted to the end of the line, figuratively speaking. And I too have responded to a cell phone converstation in the toilet stall next to me. Arrgh! Then, get this, last Saturday I was sitting in the optical department at Sears. There was a man, his wife and their grandson being helped. The Grandma was letting the boy play with her cell phone in order that she not have to manage him. He was going through all the available ring tones at a very high volume! The glares I sent her way had no obvious affect on her either. I like those V-8 commercials where you bonk someone on the head for not eating their vegetables. Basically, they're being bonked for stupidity. Maybe that's how we should deal with rude use of cell phones. It's a comforting image.
DianneThanks Dianne! Yes, it is a comforting image! I've been a frequent Bluetooth victim -- I think someone walking around with one of those confounded things is actually talking to me!
This is so funny and entertaining. I travel in trains a lot and often someone, usually a man, is heard rather loudly on his cell phone. Some people are unaware that they speak louder when phoning. I wonder if I do? Thanks JackieThanks Jim -- and thanks for joining my fan club!
Jackie, I was laughing so loud, my son thought I was loosing it! I so would have done the same thing! Thanks for the laugh. We have come a long way, haven't we?Thanks Teresa! My son thinks I'm losing it most of the time, so he probably wouldn't have even noticed....
Very well written. However, I do have to point out that the bathroom cell phone joke has been used before. You did a great job incorporating it into your story, so you're forgiven for parroting an already published joke... unless of course it was who wrote it in the first place!Thanks Matt. Yes, I've heard the idiot in the next stall joke too, although this scenario actually happened to me. Except that the woman next to me said "bitch" instead of idiot. My first thought was 'I can't believe she just said that.' And my second thought was, 'I can use it in a column!' I replaced the "B word" with "idiot" though to make it a g-rated column. Sometimes real life parrots comedy instead of the other way around.
Great job Jackie. People using phones in public places should have to emit a tone or beep, like a truck makes when it's backing up. That would signal the rest of us that they are not delusional and not talking to us.
Thanks Steve! I agree with the backup beep, especially those wearing a bluetooth. I've answered those people numerous times thinking they were talking to me....
Jackie, The self-indulgance of society is now coming in sharp and clear thanks to Motorola, Nokia, Sony . . . Lack of concern for others . . . sharp and clear. Ignorance . . . loud and clear. The end is near, the seventh seal set to be broken. Even if you're not religious, check out 2 Timothy 3 and see how closely descriptions of people in the last days, in "perilous times," match those of people of today: "For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 Without natural affection (sex with anyone), trucebreakers (think politicians, business people), false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, 4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; 5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away." Oh yes, turn away. I "turn away" often from the lack of modesty, profanity, disrespect I see displayed proudly and boastfully, especially among our youth. I see this all too often on the college / university campuses I work on. Funny? Maybe more sad than anything else. Great article.Thanks, Jeff! It probably is more sad than funny...
Jackie, I too have answered people using bluetooth. If someone next to you suddenly says 'hello' what are you supposed to think? I've also said 'pardon?' to people in neighbouring stalls. That doesn't annoy me, really. What does is how loud people talk on their phones. It's especially bad when you can hear BOTH sides of the conversation! I think it will be the final ruination of the hearing of young people! At least it might be more peaceful then... HannahThanks Hannah! I do wonder how much hearing loss we'll see in another generation --- what with the car stereos and the IPODS, even just the level of noise in the movies, etc. Everything seems so much louder than it used to be...
Jackie, no one can beat you when it comes to turning an irritating episode into a hilarious comedy. My wife and I read them together and get a head ache from uncontrollable laughter. If the neighbors ever hear us I don't know what they think. But I agree with you, the cell phone, blackberries and I don't know what all, have caused people to go mad! Tell me... how often are you stopped for a red light, when cars coming from your right and making a left turn across your front bumper, come swerving around you with a phone stuck in their ear? One is going to take off my bumper one day and then give me a beating for what I say to them. (I only fight little old ladies and tiny children.) A really good article.Thanks Joel! Hopefully, your neighbors don't think you're nuts! :)
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