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Crime and Punishment
Posted: Wednesday, January 23, 2008
by Jackie Papandrew
Jackie Papandrew
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out -- Rodney Dangerfield
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Every once in a while, in a blinding moment of clarity that fortunately doesn't last long, I realize my family thinks I'm utterly insane.
Such a moment occurred just the other day when we gathered to watch a group of males armed with sticks fight over a slippery, seemingly trivial object. On most days, I could simply stay home and watch something similar take place among my own children. But for some reason, we paid top dollar to experience the same kind of violence and mayhem in a large and very loud arena. We attended a hockey game.
Call me a dork – my kids do – but I'm just not interested in watching sports unless my children are participating. My family, perhaps thinking they could redeem me, insisted I come along to the game and so I did, bringing a book with me to ward off certain boredom. If you are shaking your head at anyone nerdy enough to bring a book to a hockey game, you know just how my loved ones were feeling. If you are nodding your head in dweebish accord because you feel my pain, contact me later. We dorks need to circle the wagons and stick together.
I arrived at the game knowing only one thing (thanks to Mr. Dangerfield) about hockey – that it tended to occasionally break out in the midst of a brawl. So I entered the arena primed for violence, my head down, my shoulders hunched, my beloved book clutched close in case someone tried to snatch it and begin reading.
Surprisingly, we made it to our seats in the front row of the appropriately named "nosebleed" section without incident. I looked around at the enthusiastic crowd, many of them wearing team jerseys and happily drinking adult beverages. No one else appeared to be holding a book.
When the game began, the fans started screaming encouragement to their players and heaping insults – most of which involved allegations of insufficient manhood -- on the opposing team. The men battled each other valiantly, hacking away with their sticks at a tiny black speck (evidently called a puck) on the ice. There was a great deal of pushing and shoving; elbows frequently flew into faces, and bodies were slammed against the sides. Large video screens hung over the rink, enabling everyone to see each act of disorderly conduct in vivid detail. It was exciting stuff.
After watching this riveting spectacle for several moments, I decided to delve into my book. I'm currently in my Dostoevsky phase – everyone eventually has a Dostoevsky phase, don't they? – and so I'd brought along the great classic, Crime and Punishment. It turned out to be a fitting title to be reading at the game. As I tried to focus on this great work of literature in the midst of the maelstrom all around me, I began to wonder if I'd committed a crime, and this was my punishment.
I managed to read for quite a while, losing myself in 19th century Russia , when I was jolted back to the present by a very loud horn that made me literally jump out of my seat. Apparently, "our" team had scored a goal, and the ear-splitting sound was necessary to commemorate the event. Sadly, the unexpected jolt caused me to drop my book, and it tumbled from the nosebleed seats down on to a frenzied fan below, knocking his beer out of his hand.
If you are a happy hockey enthusiast whose team has just scored a goal, you are going to want to drink your adult beverage in celebration, not have it spilled all over your seat by runaway Russian literature. The fan picked up my sodden book and looked up in a way that made me think I'd be safer if I was that little black puck on the ice below. Courageously, I hid behind my husband.
Somehow, though, I managed to survive the game. I even got my book back. My family has decided that I will no longer be allowed to accompany them to sporting events, and I am trying to appear upset about that. The crime was definitely worth the punishment.
© Jackie Papandrew 2008
www.jackiepapandrew.com
Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer and editor. Her nationally syndicated humor column -- Airing My Dirty Laundry -- appears in several newspapers in the United States, as well as on numerous websites. You can learn more about Jackie at JackiePapandrew.com or visit her blog -- Airing My Dirty Laundry The Blog.
Jackie's hilarious book -- Airing My Dirty Laundry -- will soon be published. Visit her website to learn more.
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)
hi jackie,
i enjoyed your article. it was true, clever, and funny.
and don't forget the whit behind it all. hockey and
boxing are two "sports" i try to stay away from,
bravo to you for forging ahead for the sake of family fun:)
best regards,
sue thom
Love it, Love it, love it!!! I would have done the same thing. I was right there with you!! Another excellent job!!! Do you have a book on the best-seller list? If not, you should! Teresa
» left by Michael Kocis
from Prescott, Az 3 years 353 days ago.
Very good story. All I can say is BRAVO ! and I agree with Teresa , you need to finish the best seller. Oh! and Jackie, it fit with this story ( added to the character) but , you are not a dork.
» left by Anonymous 3 years 353 days ago.
Wow, thanks everyone! As for a book -- I am trying my best to find an agent and/or publisher, so if you've got any leads, let me know. And Michael, you are very kind, but I am most definitely a dork. :)
Dear Heavenly Father, please lead Jackie to a publisher, or lead a publisher to her, she is sure to bring much joy and laughter to millions of people!! Your will be done, in the name of Jesus, Amen!!
Okay, Jackie, who better to ask than the Almighty Creator? He's the best lead any of us have. :-) I'm believing this is God's will for you, He has obviously given you a gift - all in His perfect timing. BTW, my son has grown up a little more, would you believe he recently asked me to please STOP doing his laundry? I didn't know whether I should faint or cry... Teresa
» left by Anonymous 3 years 352 days ago.
Can't get a much higher source for leads than that! Thanks Teresa!!...As for your son asking you to stop doing his laundry, I think I would experience heart failure if mine did that, so it's probably best that there's very little chance of that!
Hey Jackie,
I know that Mike Fak and Judi Lake who write for this site both have businesses that help folks get books published. Either one would be a great asset to you.
» left by Anonymous 3 years 348 days ago.
Thanks, I will check into that!! Jackie
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